What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 01:57
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I think the readers, may guess!
I was very sick at this time too.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
How can I easily get rid of my writers block?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I have no regrets .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What is so great about Jiraiya?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Can a 40-year-old date a 20-year-old?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Is it true that all men want a woman who looks like an Instagram “model”?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I don,t even have a pension.
I was scared of men, in general
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So whats the point in blame.
All the time i was locked up.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But, we were locked up after school.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it wasn’t much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I said to her
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He knew the spot.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I waited trembling.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im still living with it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She wouldn,t have been !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I will be 64.
Would this be the day?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It was going to be , some day.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Ive learnt so much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were not on the streets..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My family never makes their pension either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
When she asked me how she looked .
She found it foreign!.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was 9 years of age.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She married twice! .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She loved him until the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We all went to grammer schools
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Especially a lifetime of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.